Congratulations! You are the proud new owner of a human being, and with this manual we want to give you a quick overview of how to train it properly. You will enjoy your new possession a lot if you follow these simple steps…
Meeting your new human
But first, a warning. The material in this booklet is top secret. You should read it and immediately put it in your mouth, chew, and swallow to leave no trace of evidence that we dogs know how to read and write.
The content of this booklet is divided into two parts:
1. How to train your human
2. Tips on how to keep humans healthy.
Now we continue with the study of this fascinating breed.
How to train your human
Introduction. Your human is very smart, almost as much as you. This breed is known for its extreme loyalty, and submissive nature. But first we must understand that not all humans are equal, and that some are slow, lazy, or have flaws like not knowing how to whistle or throw a stick at a distance. This is the reason why dogs are patient.
First, your toilet needs: The priority is to train your human to take you out to pee and defecate when you want. This is critical because if you don´t you will have to pee on cement, tile, or something (current technology doesn´t yet allow us to grow indoor grass of the proper quality, and modern humans don´t survive living in the open).
Your human must understand that when you bark at the door, it has to stop whatever it is doing, put on its shoes, and run with you to a place where you can comfortably do your thing.
You can train your human to leave home at all hours, in the rain, in the cold, and wind, always with a plastic bag and glove to pick up your feces. The other dogs are not going to treat you socially if your human is not trained to collect you shit.
Second: You can´t live with a cat. It is obvious that you are a dog who hates cats. Living with a cat is horrible and should be avoided at all costs. Therefore it is important that when you take a walk and see a cat, bark ferociously, and if you can chase it and bite into its buttocks (CAUTION: cats have sharp claws which hurt horribly if the cat can turn around and hit you on the nose).
If it´s not feasible for you to prove you really hate cats, you will have to buy a cartoon DVD with a good fight of dogs and cats and leave it on the table so your human can learn the realities of life.
Let´s be honest, some humans are pretty dense, and you might have to repeat these steps several times. The earlier in the human training, the better. If in the worst case your man brings home a kitten, eat it. Don´t let it grow, or it will become a nightmare on four legs.
Third: The food. To eat well, you have to learn to vomit. Humans suffer a lot of stress when you vomit (later we will talk more about stress in humans in the health section of the human being). Your human is human. This means that at first it may not understand clearly that your happiness is paramount and should be their primary concern.
Sometimes your human will buy cheap food. Some humans dare buy food in giant bags containing an abominable product. If you can, pee on the bag when you see it. If you give it enough time, your human will put some of this food on a plate. This will hit you hard: eat it, but don´t show much emotion, then go to an appropriate place (a fancy carpet or the human´s bed), and VOMIT EVERYTHING. If vomiting at will isn´t possible, you will have to have some hidden grass, the grass is a good dog purgative.
This process should be repeated until the human being gives you something good to eat. Some dogs have managed to train their human to feed them rib bones with meat, chicken thighs, and other goodies. So work hard at it, and your effort will be rewarded.
Humans are easy to train with positive feedback. When your human does something you want, show your satisfaction. For example, place your front legs straight and rigid, and jump a little, barking and wagging your tail at the same time. Your human will be happy when it sees you perform this way. It is important to show your man that you are a sweet dog. A good method is to lick its hands and arms, or else its face, but tenderly, and very gently (as if you were licking your own genitals).
Positive feedback example
The human may have a host of training problems, and this prospectus doesn´t have them included, however it is important to remember this: be very patient and you will be the head of the household.
Human health perspectives
Humans have delicate feet, when you want to go for a walk it is important not to push your human so hard it will leave home barefoot. You must also make sure it keeps warm in the winter and when it rains. Human skin is naked, and they don´t endure the cold or moisture very well. Your human can become seriously ill, and this will cause a huge mess. Don´t let it happen.
As mentioned above, the human can suffer from something called stress. For example, when you participate in a howling concert with colleagues in the neighborhood, chances are your human will become stressed out because it thinks all the dogs in the area are noisy and/or sad. A human won´t understand that you like to howl. Therefore howling concerts should not exceed 30 minutes. If you see your human touching its face and crying, the 30 minutes are up.
If your human is suffering from stress (for example, if you chew up its father´s pants when it comes to visit, and your human sees it and then grunts and turns beet red), then it is possible that you have to lick it until it calms down. Don´t let it kick. If your human misbehaves then you must bark and show you're the boss.