We should change football rules. I am convinced these rules aren't fair and we must change them. This idea came to me after seeing the Dutch team defeat the Spanish 5-1 at the World Cup opener for both teams.
Photograph: Dutch celebreate
after massacre (sportsmole)
As good communists, and in the name of justice, we can’t allow this unfairness to continue. There’s too much opportunism in the sport. The game must change so that all teams have roughly the same chance of being champions (after we fix the game we can fix the world economy, just be patient).
The aim would be to avoid seeing players like Iker Casillas looking this way after such a pasting:
Photograph: Iker Casillas
on his knees (from Peru.com)
I know Casillas, like the other players in the Spanish team, is from a good family. These guys play for their respective professional teams because they pay very well, but the national team is a different matter. They suffer the defeats at the World Cup because they have Spanish football in their blood, and this injustice has to stop.
These players are members of the proletariate, and we must also consider the mental health of people living in Spain (when I think of it, Madrid citizens should feel better because they had two city teams face off in the Champions League Finals, but the poor people in Barcelona have to be incredibly depressed).
We can make things better. I worked this out with other members of the communist party secretariate, and we concluded the key is to reduce the advantage more talented teams with better misters have. So we propose to start with a change of rules, to help slower players who have worse aim to get as many goals (or at least almost as many) as very talented players like Leo Messi.
Photograph: Leo Messi
It occured to us this can be done simply by widening the goal to reach almost the entire width of the football field. As you know, today the arc is a toddler, and it's really hard to score a goal from a distance.
Photograph: Typical goal (notice how
small size makes scoring very difficult)
A wider goal would allow ordinary players score lots of goals. So we propose to widen it , to make it look like this:
Photograph: Wider goal (notice how
wide size makes scoring very easy)
This way goalkeepers won’t stop anything!
Then, to be sure even more equality reigns in the sport, we can remove the silly rule that says a player is offsides (that is, out of position) when he’s standing on a spot the referee doesn’t like.
I know, I know. Now you “experts” will say this rule has its complexities, but that's not true. An assistant referee (linesman for you oldsters) can’t run as fast as today’s players. This means he can’t see if the player is out of position or not. And I tell you that because besides being a writer and Communist Party activist, I am also a football ref. And I never run as fast as the players, nor can I see exactly what is going on. So I raise the flag whenever I feel like it. And this is exactly what referees do. Everybody knows it.
I think these two changes will suffice. We can start later this year, during the European club championships, to see if the results are favorable and improve the scoring equality. By next year, if we see a Scottish or a Russian team win the whole enchilada, then we’ll know we are on the right track.