2/02/2017

I interview President Biff Tannen

Last night I interviewed America´s brand new supreme leader, President Biff Tannen, at his residence in Washington, now known as “Tannen Mansion”.  Before I was given access to the waiting room for my audience with the world´s most powerful ruler, I was led to a small theatre where they were showing the new presidential mansion introductory message, starring Clint Eastwood:

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Biff Tannen Mansion! Dedicated to America´s #1 Citizen. And America's greatest living folk hero. The one and only Biff Tannen. Of course we've all heard the legend, but who is the man? Here you will learn how Biff Tannen became one of the richest and most powerful men in America. Learn the amazing history of the Tannen family, starting with his great-grandfather, Buford 'Mad Dog' Tannen, fastest gun in the West. See how an inheritance on his 21st Birthday made him a millionaire overnight.

Share in the excitement of a fabulous business deal streak that earned him the nickname "The Smartest Man on Earth." Learn how Biff parlayed that inheritance, and family connections, into a vast empire. Discover how President Tannen has successfully legalized gambling in US Army bases, and will turn US Navy warships into beautiful casino-hotels to be moored at all major world ports.

Meet some of the women who shared in his passion as he searched for his three true loves, the beautiful Ivana, Marla, and Melania . And relive President Tannen's happiest moment when in 2016 he realized his life long dream by defeating President Clinton´s  sweetheart, Hillary Rodham Clinton, for the presidency.

Marvel at the newly redecorated Tannen Mansion, the luxurious Albacete marble pillars, Venetian crystal chandeliers, gigantic painted portraits depicting Greek myths, cherub statues, and the new indoor fountain. And now, without further ado, the Greatest Show on Earth!!"

PresidentTannen´s voice came from speakers up on the celing: 

"I just wanna say one thing! God Bless America!"

After watching this brief introduction, I was given a booklet describing Tannen Hotel properties I could visit, and a 10 % discount voucher good for a one week stay. Afterwards I was led into the Presiden´t office. The sight was impressive…he was surrounded by a retinue of white folk wearing dark business suits. I recognized Vice President Penco, several Secretaries, and a dark clad unshaven dude who looked like his consigliere.


President Biff Tannen I didn´t photograph the
 others in the room for my own security

I decided to move fast, took a close up photograph of President Tannen, and started the interview as I sat down and one of the waiters put a drink in my hand:

ME: Mr. President, it's an honor to be here at the Mansion.

PRESIDENT TANNEN: Thank you very much, Fernando.

ME: Let me ask you, has the magnitude of this job hit you yet?

PRESIDENT TANNEN: It hit me alright.  And where you really see it is when you're talking to the generals about sending Special Forces into places like Yemen to blow up people. The business also hits because the -- the size of it. It´s huge. Every decision can make or lose tons of money. I was talking with one of the other presidents, great people. And they're gonna do things for the United States.  There's something very familiar about all this, sometimes I feel like we are filming a sequel to the old movie with Michael Corleone.  I´m very powerful.

ME: What about Congress, are they on board? I heard some of them were muttering about the “emoluments clause”

PRESIDENT TANNEN: Kid, I own Congress! Besides, they couldn't match up the cash flows to any of my overseas accounts. It´s terrific. That Adelman´s a genius.

ME: So I hear you had a talk with the Mexican President.

PRESIDENT TANNEN: I sure did. He bitched about having to pay for the Great Wall. I told him he had better watch it, his suicide will be nice and neat if he doesn´t get onsides, and I warned him that I´m  ready to send U.S. troops to stop the bad hombres down there unless the Mexican military does more to control them. We have the best military. Everybody says so. 

ME: I also hear you talked to the Australian Prime Minister, Mr Turnbull….

PRESIDENT TANNEN: Hey kid, I had to straighten that turkey out. Turns out that wimp Obama agreed to let a bunch of Pakis he´s keeping in one of his camps into the USA, and the guy insists I got to honor the deal. That guy´s a complete butthead.  A loser with a capital "L".  He got riled up when I told him “what are you deaf and stupid? I said NO! You're supposed to be my ally, you little son of a bitch! Do you know how much perfectly good dough I blow on that no-good country of yours, huh?” So I told him to say hello to his mother for me, and hung up.  We're gonna bring jobs back to America, not a bunch of Muslims,  like I promised on the campaign trail.

ME: Mr. President, I want to start – it´s early in your first term. And your campaign promises. Let´s get back to Mexico. I know today you plan on signing the order to build the wall.

PRESIDENT TANNEN: Correct.

ME: So, the American taxpayer will pay for the wall at first?

PRESIDENT TANNEN: All it is, is we'll be reimbursed at a later date. I´m gonna make them an offer they can´t refuse. That´s why we spend all that money on weapons and stuff. Now, I could wait a year and I could hold off the wall. But I wanna build the wall. We have to build the wall. We have to stop them people from just pouring into our country. We have no idea where they're from. And I campaigned on the wall. That wall will cost us nothing.

ME: But Mexico's president said in recent days that Mexico absolutely will not pay, adding that, "It goes against our dignity as a country and our dignity as Mexicans." He says….

PRESIDENT TANNEN: Fernando, he has to say that. He has to say that. But I'm just telling you he´s gonna pay up if I have to send Kelly down to Mexico City to break his goddam legs. And you have to understand what I'm doing is good for the United States. It's also going to be good for Mexico. If they don´t pay I´ll level them, they´ll be running away to Guatemala (mad laughter). After that the relationship will be better than ever before (more mad laughter)

ME: Some Americans feel ...

PRESIDENT TANNEN: Buttheads... We'll be having some really good TV shows to calm down the California crowd within a short period of time. Me with Melania visiting a wind farm and having dinner with Carlos Slim and his wife in Palm Beach. Anyway, I bet 70-80 percent of Americans love me. Those polls are always wrong. Total disaster. 

ME:  I understand other nations´ leaders are a bit concerned over some of your plans. They heard you say you supported torture, killing jihadi´s relatives, and want to squeeze them for tons of cash. Should they be worried?

PRESIDENT TANNEN: They shouldn't be very worried. Unless they are Muslim. They shouldn't be very worried. I do have a big heart. We're going to take care of everybody, one way or the other. We're going to have a very strong country. So it´s going to be my way or the highway. We're gonna have a very solid relationship with all of them, white, brown, yellow, whatever. And I´m surrounded by great people that are here in this room. They have done a good job. We'll be coming out with policy on the behavior we expect from other nation´s leaders over the next four weeks.

ME: But Mr. President, will other nations´ leaders be allowed to have a say?

PRESIDENT TANNEN: I will tell you, we're looking at this, the whole diplomacy situation, we're looking at it with great heart. Now we have ambassadors that are here. We have really bad people that are here. Those people have to be worried 'cause they're getting out of Washington in body bags if they don´t straighten out. We're gonna get them out. We're gonna get 'em out fast. General Kelly is -- I've given that as his number one priority. I´m sure they remember we win every war. We just can´t help it. 

At that point Clint Eastwood walks into President Tannen´s office holding a large coffee mug.

PRESIDENT TANNEN: Listen up, Eastwood! I aim to shoot somebody today and I'd prefer it'd be an Iranian. But if you can´t get me Pierre Morad Omidyar I guess it'll just have to be your little Cambodian friend.

EASTWOOD: [looks at the wall clock, then steps towards the President] It's not noon yet!

PRESIDENT TANNEN: It is by my watch! Let's settle this once and for all! Or ain't you got the gumption? Is the Iranian in the basement? 

At that point I started to get really worried for my own skin. I looked at my watch as I wondered how to make a quick getaway without getting caught by the Secret Service.

PRESIDENT TANNEN (staring at me): What are you looking at, butthead?

ME: Mr President, I´ve taken a lot of your valuable time, I see you´re very busy, so I was wondering if I shouldn´t conclude our interview?

PRESIDENT TANNEN: Now, Fernando, don't con me. Are you with me or against me?

Me: [stammering] I'm sorry, Mr. President. I-I meant I was just thinking I ought to leave.

PRESIDENT TANNEN: Fine, fine. Just kidding. Don´t piss on the carpet.

PRESIDENT TANNEN: [to Steve Bannon, this closest advisor ] I'm gonna get that son of a bitch Netanyahu. I can´t believe he´s trying to push the Pentagon to bomb Iran before I say so.

PRESIDENT TANNEN (to Vice President Penco): What are you lookin' at, butthead?

PRESIDENT TANNEN (to me): Say hi to your mom for me. Hasta la bye bye!

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